Hello Baby Girl,
It has been a while since Mummy lit a candle for you, I am so sorry for that, I just find it very hard to visit your website these days, for some reason it upsets me more than it used to and I am crying as I write this.
I guess you know what's been happening in our lives as of course you are watching, so you know you are not forgotten even if I haven't lit a candle in a while!
Ruby turned one last Wednesday, I can't believe our little pudding is one already. I don't know where this year has gone. It seems like only yesterday that we went into hospital fearing the worst and praying for her to arrive safely, yet it was over a year ago now.
She is such a little character, you would have loved her sweetheart. I can imagine you trying to teach her things that you have just learnt yourself, you would have been three years old in January, nearly two years between you, what a lovely age gap.
She will grow up to know all about you, of that I promise. Your memory will live on forever, she will see photographs, and I will teach her all about your existence, this beautiful baby girl who Daddy and I were blessed with before she came along. Our little star in the Heavens.
Sometimes people call her an Angel, I hate that. It worries me in case we are asking for something to happen to her by referring to her that way, and also it is who you are, you are our little Angel, you and your little brother or sister Charlie Robin, and we don't need any more.
We had a Thanksgiving and Blessing Service for Ruby on 6th December, our chance to celebrate and give thanks for her safe arrival into our world, and our attempt at keeping her safe I guess. You were included in the service of course, how could you not be? I hope that you were watching over us that day and saw our joy. It was held in the All Saints Church in Baschurch, where Daddy and I married last year, and where we visit around your birthday each year. Your third birthday is on a Monday, so we will go the day before to the Sunday Service and take Ruby with us to be blessed, I hope we can also take Faye with us, it is a shame that she will not be able to spend your birthday with us this time, but I think she will be back at school that day. Maybe they will have a teacher training day, that would be good, then she won't have to miss out on your birthday celebrations as I know she would really want to be there with us.
I'm not sure what we are going to do yet, I'm tempted to go back to Chester Zoo and visit the Butterfly Journey again, this time taking a one year old who is here on earth with us. I will talk to your Daddy about it soon.
We are looking forward to Christmas, we have bought Ruby a Smart Trike, and we think she will love it. For her special first birthday present we bought her a stuffed unicorn, made from seven of her very first baby grows, it is something that will become more and more special as she gets older and appreciates it more, and a lovely way of keeping her first baby grows without simply storing them. I wonder what we would have bought for your first birthday if you had been here, probably the same! I am wondering whether we have enough clothing that you wore to have something made with those, but I'm also wondering if I could bear them to be cut up to make something with! There is no rush so I will take my time deciding and do what I think is right. Your ashes still aren't in the trinket we bought, I'm still scared they won't all fit, but I think it's time to sort that out soon. All the bits and pieces that remind us of you are still on the side table waiting for me to do something with, and your photo album is still sat empty waiting for me to fill. I will do it one day soon baby girl, but I now find it difficult to see photographs of you. Since Ruby was born and we see photographs of her that are full of life, I can now see that yours are not. Before they were just photographs of my baby and I didn't see the colour of your lips, or the tone of your skin, but now I do, and it hurts like hell. I know I need to do your photograph album though, and I will, one day soon, I promise. If for no other reason I would like to be able to look through it from time to time and have a good cry, instead of having to look at a computer to see your photographs.
People think I don't need to have a good cry now that I have Ruby. She has been incredibly healing I admit, she has made the hole in my heart so much smaller, but it will never go away and I do still need to cry sometimes. Your Daddy too, he cries a lot for you.
I feel guilty sometimes because Daddy seems to still struggle more than I do, and I am your Mummy and I feel like I should struggle the most. I know it's not a competition but I can't help but feel guilty if I don't struggle. I still have my off days, but I have a lot of good days since Ruby came along. She keeps me busy and consumes my time, energy and thoughts, and leaves little time for wallowing. That doesn't ever mean I have forgotten you sweetheart, please please don't ever think that, it just means that I am living again, and surely that can only be a good thing?
I find it hard when Ruby hits a milestone, as I think of you and wonder when you would have hit it, and I watch her growing up and wonder what you would have looked like at one year old, and two, and three. What do you look like baby girl? Are you three? Or is that only in our world and really up in Heaven you will always be a newborn baby waiting for the day Mummy comes home? I imagine you always being as you were when I said goodbye to you, waiting for me, like I was so destined to be a Mother that I get to do it all over again when my time is up on earth, but then that means that you are not growing up in Heaven, and if that's the case then what are you doing? You have to be growing up to be having fun right? Thinking about things like that really hurt, because I just don't know, and I don't know what I want to believe most, that you are growing up and having fun or that I won't miss out on that as you will start all that when I reach you. My heart aches at that quandary.
I donated my wedding dress to a charity lately that makes beautiful funeral gowns from them for stillborn and premature babies. I thought it was such a wonderful cause. I gave them two wedding dresses, and two bridesmaid dresses, and your Auntie Vicky also donated her wedding dress, and also a friend of mine kindly donated her wedding dress too. I hope they help make some beautiful gowns, but I wish they were not needed. When your Nanna Wendy delivered them to the lady that makes the gowns she had an emotional chat on the doorstep with her about the fact that she had lost a baby girl only in June, hence why she was making the funeral gowns. What a brave and wonderful woman to be doing something like that so soon after her own loss, if you have any idea who her baby girl is sweetheart, please look after her and make sure you play with her. Please do that for your Mummy, and for her Mummy.
Your Uncle Lee did a charity cycle trek in October to raise money for Sands in your memory, and so far he has raised £1350.00. I am so proud of him, and so grateful. He sent me a photograph of a little yellow butterfly which followed him for much of his final day, and even landed on his shoe. It could only have been you baby girl, and he knew it. That really choked your Daddy and I, we were so touched.
I wish you would visit me more often like that sweetheart, I know I may look like I'm doing OK and don't need you but I do, I always need you, please come to visit me? Your Auntie Vicky tells me she sees white feathers often since you were taken away from us, but then she is susceptible to things like that. I promise though Summer that if you visit me I will see the signs. You have been sometimes, we have had butterflies in the house in the depths of winter so I know that was you! I just wish you would visit more often.
I am going to bed now sweetheart, perhaps you will visit me in my dreams? I do hope so.
I love you more than ever and I wish I could hold you again for just one minute, I wish I could feel you. Goodnight Baby Girl, I love and miss you so much xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx