Hi Baby Girl,
Mummy has had her first week at work this week, or four days anyway as I don't work Fridays. It's strange being in an office with lots of people again but I am enjoying it and enjoying the company. A couple of people have asked whether I have children so far but i have been ready for it so it has been ok. I did have one wobble moment when I was asked out of the blue about the time off I have said I want at Christmas and early January, but I dealt with it ok and the lady who asked was mortified that she had upset me bless her. It wasn't her fault, she is my immediate boss and the girl I work with wanted some time off over Christmas too, so she was just asking if there was anything I couldn't move, but because I had to explain why I couldn't move it and therefore mention you, I got upset. I think it was because it wasn't expected and so I wasn't prepared for it and it just caught me off guard, but I was shaking like a leaf and trying (and failing) to hold back any tears.
I didn't go into it all with her, just said that I couldn't move my time off as it was the first anniversary of my daughter's death. I will tell her about you this next week though, I just didn't trust myself not to get upset again if I tried on Thursday.
Today I have been off and was supposed to be on Shrewsbury Market, but I needed some stock really urgently for a customer so I had to go to the wholesalers instead, so I have been in Manchester all day buying lots and lots of new stock! I only got home an hour ago so I'm just going to check it all through and then get straight in bed and watch TV I think as I'm very tired, I've had yet another very busy week! I doubt they will get any quieter until after Christmas now either! At least it takes my mind off things and gets me through these next few months though as they are going to be tough.
I'm dreading Christmas, and especially your first birthday Baby Girl, I'm terrified of that. I wish I could just go away to a nice log cabin somewhere and hide away curled up in front of an open fire until it's all over. We can't do that though because we have to keep things normal and be around for Faye. It was her 10th birthday yesterday and she liked the little jigsaw card we gave her at the weekend from you. I wish you could have given it to her yourself though, covered in drool and chewed on!
I'm still thinking of something to do to mark your birthday sweetheart, I will think of something to do you justice I hope. I did have one idea that was absolutely perfect to me but Daddy wasn't keen, so I need to think of something else now and nothing seems good enough by a long way! I'll keep thinking though. I will speak to Daddy about having Faye that weekend too as it isn't our weekend to have her but she should be able to spend that day with us, where she is free to remember you and talk about you with us. I think she would love to do something special with us to remember you properly.
Nanny Di and Grandad Harry won't be able to do anything with us, as they have booked to go on their holidays for six weeks the day before! Nanna Wendy is probably still going to be away by then too, so it looks like it's just your Daddy, me and Faye. I thought about asking people to release a yellow helium balloon from wherever they are on that day, but I'm not sure if people will do this or not without me sending them one in advance, and then how would they fill it? I also thought of a butterfly release, which is a lovely idea, but releasing butterflies in January would kill them! Maybe we could do that in your memory on another special day in the summertime one day.
I'm going to meet my friend's baby boy Aston tomorrow for cuddles, I'm looking forward to that although it will be hard. I've arranged it for this weekend while your Daddy is away fishing again as I don't think he could cope with a baby in the house just yet. Apparently he has lots of dark hair too so I'm not sure how I'll cope yet, I'm just glad he's a boy!! I am eager for cuddles but I haven't held a new baby since losing you, 4 months is the youngest so far and that was Elian who was born the same day as you. Aston is only 4 weeks so it may be hard but I think because he is a boy I'll be ok.
On Sunday my friend Kelly-Anne is coming over and I'm taking her to see Kal as she hasn't seen him for a long time, and we may do a bit of riding if she wants to.
Other than that I'll be working this weekend putting this new stock on eBay and Amazon, and a little housework too.
Daddy went back fishing on the Tyne again on Wednesday morning, he only got home on Saturday afternoon! He'll be up there now until after 31st when the season finishes and I'm missing him already : ( I have plenty to keep me busy though so I'm sure it'll pass quickly.
I'm going to get myself in bed now and hold you tight. I love you with all my heart Baby Girl, always have, always will xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx