I look at these photographs and it's like I'm watching a movie, I still can't believe that it's your Daddy and I looking back at the camera, that it's our little baby, you, Baby Girl, that has gone.
It hurts so very much but it's not real all at the same time, how can that be?
Perhaps it's surreal to your mind most of the time so that your mind can cope, because sometimes it's more real than others and my god then it really hurts, when it hits you like that it's devastating, and nothing can take the agony away.
I think for as long as we live we will continue to have those moments, but maybe over time there will be more time in between them, more of the numbness.
God I miss you Baby Girl, I miss you desperately. People throughout my life have always told me what a strong person I am, but even I am struggling with this one. All I can do though is keep going, what choice do I have, you're never coming back are you?
We're 16 weeks on today, not long at all really, so we're doing good I guess, your Daddy and I. Most of the time we're doing good.
It's probably time we took your cards down now, they can't stay up forever and I know deep down that you won't think we are forgetting you.
We brought your pram home from next door last weekend, that killed me, it's called the 'Giggle' and it's bright orange, and I was so excited about walking down the street with you in it. You never even saw your matching car seat never mind your pram. Rob and Pauline have been very kindly holding it for us since the beginning of December because we didn't want it in the house before you were born as it's meant to be bad luck, thank god we didn't have any of that eh sweetheart!
We were going to store it at Nanny and Grandad's from now on as Rob and Pauline can't hold it in their back room forever and we still didn't want it in the house in case it brought more bad luck for the next baby, but as that old wives tale turned out to be a load of old rubbish we decided to just put it all in your nursery in the end. In any event the old wives tale only applies when the pram has been bought for the baby you are expecting, and the pram was bought for you, so it won't apply in the future anyway.
Faye misses you, we all do, her Bashful Bunny goes everywhere with her just like yours goes everywhere with me.
You still go everywhere with me too, but it's time to transfer your ashes into the bigger Bashful Bunny where you belong soon, and to stop taking you out of the house so much, I'm afraid I might lose you all over again. To lose you though I'd have to let go of you for a minute, and of course I won't do that. Baby steps though eh Baby Girl.
Daddy is going fishing this weekend in Tywyn, and Auntie Vicky is coming to stay with me. It'll be nice for Daddy to enjoy some fishing for a while, he misses you like crazy and he could do with a little distraction, and I'm looking forward to a good chat with my Sister, we haven't had the chance since the night you were born.
The sun is shining and it looks like everyone else might just get a summer this year after all, every day we are reminded of you, the closer we get to summer the more we are reminded, but that's a good thing.
I love you Baby Girl, with all of my heart, it's still broken, it always will be, but those broken pieces must surely all add up to a whole heart, and I love you with it xxxxx