Summer Ruby Dawson, our beautiful baby girl, fell asleep on Thursday 3rd January 2013, her heart stopped beating during labour. We don't yet know why, tests are being done, but we may never get an answer. This story is my account, as Summer Ruby's Mummy, of the day mine and her Daddy's world fell apart ... At noon on Thursday 3rd January 2013 excitement bubbled as I realised that my labour was finally starting. I was eight days overdue and had been told the day before during a second failed attempt at a sweep that my cervix was still closed. Nevertheless Barbara, a lovely midwife, had done what she could to hopefully start hormones stirring a little, and lo and behold it seemed to have done the trick, we were on! A girl's best friend is her Mother, and so of course I called her and said 'I think I'm in labour Mum, but I'm not absolutely sure'. After relaying the events of the day so far Mum agreed that it certainly looked like things were starting to happen. I then called Alan to forewarn him of the potential chaos when he got home, but stressed that he mustn't rush home, as I could be getting these niggles for days yet. I spent the afternoon on my feet ensuring labour progressed and did not stop now that it had finally started, I dusted everywhere again, and ensured our home was absolutely ready to welcome our new baby. Alan rang later in the afternoon to check how things were going and whether there was time for him to make one last visit locally before he came home, and I assured him that labour was progressing but I was still a long way off needing to rush into hospital. I expected we would go to bed that evening and end up going in sometime in the middle of the night. Alan arrived home at 5:00pm, by which time I was walking constantly around the kitchen table trying to ease the backache and labour pains whilst keeping my labour going. He asked whether I had called the midwife yet, and I said we needed to time the contractions for a while now he was home so that I would have all the answers for her when I did. Contractions were coming every 5 - 8 minutes apart and lasting for around 30 seconds each, and at 6:00pm I called the midwife. Her advice was that if I was able to cope at home a little longer then I should have some paracetamol, take a bath to relax and ease the pains, and call again in an hour, by which time hopefully the contractions would be regularly every five minutes apart. Well of course I could last longer at home, this was me we were talking about, I wasn't going to be one of those first time Mothers who go into hospital in a blind panic at 1cm dilated only to be sent home again, I was strong! I did what the midwife said and called again at 7:15pm, by which time my contractions were indeed more regular. That midwife I spoke to started off the conversation suggesting I ring again in an hour if I felt able to hang on, however quarter of an hour later having timed my contractions herself during our call, she said she thought I ought to make my way in as they were coming faster and faster and were lasting a minute long. I asked her to get the waterbirth pool ready and said I would dress as I had just gotten out of the bath, and we'd be with them around 8:30pm. I got dressed into my favourite pregnancy outfit as I wanted to look nice arriving at the hospital on such a special occasion, and I made sure I put back on my late Nanna's necklace for luck. Alan called my Mum and told her we were going in, she was to be my second birth partner, and she said to update her once I had been examined as to how far along I was so that she knew whether to set off down from Lancashire yet. She was having tea with my big sister Vicky, who was supposed to be staying overnight with her that night. By the time we reached the hospital my contractions were consistently two minutes apart and lasting for a minute each. My labour was progressing much more quickly than I had ever expected would be the case, and we were looking forward to meeting our baby for whom we'd waited for so long. I remember scolding Alan though for walking so fast, he was eager to get into the hospital and I was unable to walk through the contractions. I recall I stopped and breathed through a contraction in the middle of the car park, unable to tell Alan why I had stopped, and then told him when it had worn off that 'for future reference I could not walk or talk through a contraction'! We reached the doors and I looked on in disgust at two obviously due pregnant women smoking outside, I remember thinking 'How could you?' as I walked by. We made our way to the Midwife Led Unit where I was to have my wonderful natural waterbirth, and were shown into a pre-labour room for our first check-up of the evening. The midwife Ann, a lovely woman, asked me to do a wee. I duly obliged and shouted that I was fine while I moaned from the ensuite bathroom. My blood pressure was then checked, all fine as usual, and she asked me to hop up onto the bed. I remember she was laughing because Alan took my boots off but tried to do so without even unzipping them. He was pulling my leg off and I scolded him again (in my defence I was having another contraction at the time) and remembering thinking 'some bloody birth partner he's going to turn out to be!' while I watched him then unzip them only half way and try to pull my leg off again! When the boots were off I climbed up on the bed and lay down, and Ann proceeded to listen to Bump's heartbeat, only she couldn't find it. She blamed the machine as it was crackly and got another one out, I wasn't worried, of course it was just the machine. I had sailed through a delightfully easy pregnancy and had never had any reason to worry. Again though she couldn't find it, and went to bring another midwife who was the 'expert' in using these machines. When that midwife couldn't find it either they looked at each other and agreed to call the Doctor in to do a scan. We were assured that it was probably just that my labour was so progressed, and Bump was so far down in my pelvis, that the handheld sonic aids couldn't pick it up. They said the Doctor's scan would be able to instead, and in he was called. I was beginning to worry a little but trusted that all would be fine, and watched the Doctor do his scan. He was Polish, and looked like he had just been dragged away from his Xbox game or something, he didn't look happy to have been bothered by the midwives. He didn't say anything to us, he just kept moving the probe around a little on my lower bump and watching the scan image that I couldn't see as the monitor was turned away from us. I remember I just kept thinking 'Come on Bump, where are you hiding?' and it felt like an eternity passed. It was silent, nobody spoke, no sounds, no breathing ... no heartbeat. Alan and I looked at each other and back at the Doctor, and Alan asked what was happening. The Doctor turned the screen towards us and simply said 'We have a problem with the fetal heart' and pointed at something on the screen briefly before saying 'That is the heart, it's not beating'. He shrugged his shoulders like he had just told us we had lost a bet on a horse and said 'I'm sorry'. I can't describe that moment to you, no words can ever make you understand even the slightest bit. My world plunged into blackness, I screamed 'no' over and over again and begged them to do something, I looked at Alan who mirrored how I felt, utterly helpless, in despair, in shock. He was screaming too. The Doctor just walked out of the room and left us screaming. My labour completely stopped. I remember Alan asking Ann, who was still with us, why my contractions had stopped and she told him gently that I was in shock. I don't know how much time passed before Alan went into the ensuite bathroom and called my Mum, and also his Mum and Dad. I recall the midwife doing the internal examination on me whilst hearing him sobbing in the next room and saying 'It's gone, there's no heartbeat, it's gone'. All the while it was like I wasn't really there, the shock I guess, but it was as if I was in another place, on the outside looking in. Ann told me that I was already 4cm dilated. I remember thinking 'I did it, I came into hospital at exactly the right time'. But it wasn't right was it, it was textbook, but it wasn't right for our Bump, Bump had already gone. Ann finished her internal examination and came to me, she held my hand and looked softly into my eyes, and she said 'You're still going to labour, you're still going to have to do this', and I looked her straight in the eyes back and nodded slowly, and I simply said 'I know'. Strength and determination came over me then that took hold for the rest of the night, my baby was coming and I had to focus on the birth, I had to do what Mothers do. From that moment it's all a blur, I was moved straight to a large birthing room on the labour ward in the Consultant Unit, and eventually my labour started up again, but not from where it left off, it started slowly and had to build back up. Mum says now that had everything been ok when we got to the hospital I would probably have given birth before midnight, and I think she is right. As it was, we had to endure twelve hours of pure agony from the moment we found out that our precious baby had died, to the moment she was pushed into the world. Those twelve hours were not only excruciating for me, they were excruciating for all of us. I was lucky, I was given gas and air and Pethidine which along with the shock and the pain had sent me away with the fairies for the most part, but Alan did not have that, he was ‘with it’ the whole time and had to bear that torture much more than me. Apart from on three occasions during the night when Alan tells me I cried, I was able to force myself to forget the end result and just focus on the task in hand. He tells me I was amazing, and that he could not have done what I had to do that night, but he would have if he was in my shoes, he would have had to like I did. There was no choice, there was no other option, I had to give birth to my baby and although there would be no new life and no joy at the end of it, I still had to do it well, for myself, for Alan, for my baby. Alan’s Mum and Dad arrived at the hospital first, and my Mum and Sister arrived shortly afterwards, the midwives under the circumstances let them all into the room with us, and they stayed with us throughout. A birthing room is usually full of anticipated joy and excited chatter, ours was silent. Occasionally the midwife would whisper something, occasionally someone would give me quiet encouragement, some gas and air, or a drink, but otherwise nobody spoke. I am so thankful that Alan’s Mum and Dad had not yet gone to America, they were due to fly out at 8:00am the following morning. They didn’t go of course, Alan needed them, and I am eternally grateful that they were there for him. I had Alan and my Mum and Sister to help me through, and I was wrong about Alan earlier that evening, he was an amazing birth partner, his strength got me through. Finally, at 8:43am the following morning I pushed our tiny baby into the world. My memories of that day are in another story on here of the day our beautiful baby girl, Summer Ruby Dawson, was born.