Lit by Mummy, Daddy, Faye, Ruby & Emma-Rae xxxxx 25th December 2019
Merry Christmas Baby Girl, we hope you have had a wonderful Christmas up in Heaven. Have you seen your great Nanna yet? She gained her wings on Thursday 19th (your great Grandad's birthday no less), and I'm sure she will be over the moon to finally meet you. I hope she will help to take good care of you for me. We say goodbye to her on Friday 3rd January, seven years to the day that you were taken from us. That will be a very sad and very hard day to get through. I always find 3rd much harder to cope with than the 4th when you were born, as I re-live every moment of that day when we lost you wondering what I could have done differently. This year will be no exception, but I think perhaps it will play even more on my mind that day after I stand in a service saying goodbye to another precious loved one. At least Nanna lived a long and happy life, and now she is reunited with Grandad after nineteen years apart. That fills my heart with warmth, and hope for a future reunion with you.
How was Christmas in Heaven sweetheart? I wish you had been here adding to the chaos of our day. Ruby and Emma-Rae had a lovely day and were spoilt with so many wonderful gifts. You would love them, and they would love you, so much. I can't believe you're nearly seven years old, I don't know where that time went, but I know the pain is still as raw as it was on day one if I let myself go there. I try not to, it hurts too much to think too much. I came on here to light your candle tonight and there was one waiting from Emma, who was my grief counsellor when we lost you. She has been thinking about us and you lately which is heart warming to know. I think maybe when she emigrated back home to Canada I should have asked to continue with someone else, but instead I said I was fine to stop, I didn't want to be a nuisance. Now I think I probably would have benefited from continuing for a while, there are issues I haven't dealt with and my parenting is directly affected by my loss of you. Until I had more children and had the chance to start raising them I didn't know the true extent to which I was affected by losing you. I think I probably need counselling now more than ever! Anyway, I hope she is doing well and settled in Canada, it's funny how people cross our paths briefly in life but have a big impact.
I was looking at your photos on the tree tonight and I wondered not for the first time what you would look like now. Nearly seven years old, that seems so big! I wish beyond belief that you would come to visit me sweetheart, even for a moment, even just in my dreams. You never have in that way, maybe because you are a baby you can't. You have been around me in lots of other ways though. I just wish I knew if you were still a newborn baby up there or if you are nearly seven, how does it work? Do you grow up or are you waiting for me to join you first? I guess these are things I will never know, unless one day you do visit me.
I'm going to sign off for now but hope that I see you in my dreams Baby Girl. I love and miss you so very much, Happy Christmas to my beautiful little girl, my firstborn, my Angel xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx