It's 2:45pm on Friday 3rd January 2014.
Exactly one year ago right now is when I think you lost your tiny little life Baby Girl. I felt you give an almighty kick and wriggle and I never felt you again, and later that evening we were told at the hospital that you were gone.
I have been thinking about that day I went into labour with you all day today sweetheart, and wishing bitterly that I could wind the clock back by one year and save you.
When I lost you Baby Girl, I lost myself.
I wasn't the Lucy I was before you came along anymore, I could never be that Lucy again, I had changed. You had changed me. But I wasn't Lucy the new Mother either, my arms were empty, my breast leaked pointless liquid gold. I lost myself and I didn't know who I was anymore, who I was supposed to be, and I haven't found myself yet, I don't know if I ever will.
Tomorrow would have been your first birthday Baby Girl. Daddy has gone to pick Faye up especially for it, and we are all going to make lemon cupcakes tonight with yellow icing and sparkling sprinkles, and yellow iced butterflies on top, because all little girls need cupcakes on their first birthday!
Tomorrow we are going to collect some pretty clear balloons with butterflies all over them, filled with wildflower and butterfly attracting flower seeds, with a yellow homemade butterfly shaped seed pouch attached to them with a little message for you. We are going to take them to our favourite family spot up on the Cliffe, and we are going to release them at 8:43am, the time you were born one year ago. When they reach you up in Heaven and deliver their messages they will explode, and the flower seeds will fall back down to earth and scatter pretty wildflowers wherever they land.
We are going to have tea and cupcakes up there afterwards, and then we are going out for a family fun day out in your memory. We will cry while we release your butterfly balloons to Heaven I'm sure, but we will also laugh for the rest of the day and try to be happy, because we know that is what you would have wanted.
It's going to be just Mummy, Daddy, and Big Sister Faye.
I will light a special candle on here tomorrow Baby Girl when we're home at the end of the day, and I will tell you all about your first birthday. Maybe one day you can tell me all about how it was for you up in Heaven, I am sure it will be magical.
Watch out for your butterfly balloons Baby Girl, we hope you love them! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx