My grief for you is very raw today Baby Girl.
Maybe it's because of the discussion Daddy and I had last night, or maybe it's because this morning while I was swimming was the first time in a few weeks that I have given myself any time to really think, maybe a mixture of both.
I'm always thinking about you, you know that, but sometimes I replay the whole of January through my mind, and I relive every moment, and it all comes flooding back to me. I still find it so hard to believe you're really gone, sometimes I wonder if I was ever a Mother at all, or whether the whole thing was just a dream. I don't think I can remember what it's like to be a Mummy, I guess I didn't experience it for long enough to keep that memory strong.
Life has just rewound itself by two and a half years to early 2011, back to a time when I felt like life was on a path where I didn't want it to go, but the only way to change that was to shake it up and lose everything before starting from scratch to rebuild it. Then life, or God, or whatever twisted perverse force that it was, threw me a lifeline. Suddenly you were a possibility and I was working towards you, and everything was better. Twelve months on I was even closer as you were on your way, and then this time last year I was so so close, you were with me every day and I could feel you saying "hello".
Then ten months ago that evil force dragged the rug from under me and smothered me with it for good measure.
You were taken away from me so cruelly. My life can never be the same again. The best that I could hope for was that Daddy and I would survive it, maybe even be stronger because of it, and that we could try again. Not to replace you sweetheart, a million more babies could never heal my broken heart completely, they could patch it up and make it feel better, but you see there's a piece missing now so they could never put it back together in a way that would make it whole again.
We did try again, and we've had a rollercoaster year of new hopes followed by tragic losses, and now we've reached the end of that journey. And still no prospect of Motherhood in sight.
Now it seems that what I kept going for, what I thought I had ahead of me to get me through all this, it was never really there at all. I had just hoped and prayed that it was.
So now I find myself thinking what's the point? What or who exactly am I keeping going for? And why was I thrown a lifeline if I was to be dumped right back where I started, what was the point in torturing me with a taster of another life?
I guess we are all just puppets, and our puppeteers hold the strings. Well if my puppeteer is listening I have something to say ...
"Find yourself another puppet to play with, this one is broken."
From now on, I hold my own strings.